Is It Gay to Want That?

(And Other Questions You’re Allowed to Ask Me)

Introduction

Let’s be honest: sexuality can be confusing, especially when your fantasies don’t line up neatly with the labels you’ve been taught.

Maybe you’ve asked yourself, “Does this mean I’m gay?” or “Why does this turn me on even though it scares me?”

If so, you’re not alone. In fact, these are some of the most common questions I hear, and I want you to know: you’re allowed to ask them. You’re allowed to be curious, to feel unsure, to explore without judgment.

So today, I’m tackling a few of the questions my clients are often too embarrassed to say out loud. Let’s get into it.

Is it gay if I…? (Let’s talk labels, curiosity, and attraction)

Is it gay to want to suck a cock but not date men?
What if I want to be in a threesome with another guy?
Is it still gay if I only want to try it once?
What if I don’t want to be gay, I just want to try stuff?

Here’s the thing: being gay – by definition – means being sexually or romantically attracted to people of your own gender. Notice how that doesn’t say “having sex with” or “dating” someone. It’s about attraction, not action.

But labels? Those are optional. You don’t have to adopt a title you’re not comfortable with. You can call it bi-curious, heteroflexible, straight-with-gay-tendencies, or nothing at all. It’s yours to define. Or not.

And it’s also worth noting: romantic orientation and sexual orientation don’t always align. Some people feel sexually drawn to one gender, but only form romantic bonds with another. Totally normal.

Am I still a man if I like dressing up for someone else’s pleasure?

Short answer? Yes.
Longer answer? Hell yes.

Whether it’s for your own enjoyment or because it turns your partner on, dressing in femme clothing doesn’t take away your identity. Lingerie isn’t a threat to your masculinity. If anything, choosing to wear it for someone else’s pleasure takes a kind of confidence most people don’t even realize they have.

So if you’re asking, “Does this mean I’m not a man?”, I’ll ask you this: do you feel like one? Then you are. That’s the only answer that matters.

What if I only want to watch while my girlfriend plays with another guy?

That’s totally valid.
In fact, it’s a common kink, and it usually falls into the realm of cuckolding, voyeurism, or even compersion (the joy of seeing your partner experience pleasure).

Some people like to participate, others prefer to watch. Neither makes you less “manly” or “normal.” It just means you’ve found something that turns you on. And that’s kind of beautiful, isn’t it?

Why does this turn me on and make me feel ashamed?

What if I only like this when I’m horny?

This is such a common experience, and often tied to shame we don’t even realize we’re carrying. Maybe you were told certain desires were “wrong.” Maybe you saw them mocked in media. Or maybe it’s just the fear that if anyone knew, they’d stop seeing you the same way.

I’m not a therapist, but I can tell you this: feeling shame doesn’t mean your desires are wrong.
They just need space to breathe without judgment.

Some people find healing through journaling or affirmations. Others work with a kink-aware therapist. You don’t have to figure it out all at once. But you do deserve to feel good about the things that turn you on.

What if I’m scared to try something in real life, but I still fantasize about it constantly?

Totally normal.

Fantasy is a powerful tool. It gives us access to parts of ourselves we might not be ready or willing to explore in the real world. And sometimes? That’s where it’s best left. A fantasy doesn’t have to be acted on to be valid.

That said, if the desire feels strong and you’re curious, baby steps are okay. Spaces like FetLife, educational kink workshops, or even guided roleplay with a trusted partner (or professional!) can help you ease into things without diving off the deep end.

But if it only lives in your mind? That’s fine too. It still counts.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve ever found yourself googling these questions in the middle of the night, or just quietly wondering if you’re “normal”, please know: you’re not alone.

Desire is messy. Labels are imperfect. And exploring new parts of yourself doesn’t make you any less valid, masculine, straight, worthy, or lovable.

You’re allowed to want what you want.
It’s natural to question.
You’re allowed to feel turned on and unsure.

And you’re always allowed to ask me.

Got a Question? Ask Away.

If this post brought up more questions than answers: good. That means you’re curious.
Feel free to message me anytime or book a session if you’d like to talk it through in a safe, affirming space. I’m here for your curiosity. And I promise – I won’t judge. 💋